June 21st is the first day of summer; it marks the summer solstice for the northern hemisphere while those losers in the southern hemisphere get to freeze their fannies off in the winter solstice. There are a million reasons to love summer, but when everything shakes out, it all comes down to one group of people: GIRLS. Love (and lust) is in the air as singles look to get their fling on. We believe variety is the spice of life, so how do you get the most (play) out of summer? Check out our guide to the girls of summer 2011 below.
She’s so trendy the trend isn’t even a trend yet–it’s like playing Sega Genesis when everyone was playing Duck Hunt. Her shoes are hot in Serbia, her dress is hot in France, and she’s hot in your brain. She knows she’s a knockout as she struts her stuff into Starbucks and then off to learn Kabbalah while sporting sun glasses that double as a motorcycle helmet.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with celebrity gossip and a borderline gay knowledge of fashion designer’s names.
She’s got you ball-parking her age at anywhere between 14 and 32. She’s got you telling your friend’s she’s the hottest girl you’ve ever seen as long as she isn’t capable of sending you to jail just for looking at her. The rule of thumb is this: if she’s got the best body you’ve ever seen then she’s probably too young. Any girl your age has had a few years of binge drinking, and a few trips on the boyfriend express to leave her a little bit like a second-hand pair of rollerblades–you can still roll but the wheels are a little worn down.
THE APPROACH: Woo the young one with Milton Bradley board games and Miley Cyrus on your iPod.
She’s the girl you see on the sidewalk as you drive by early one morning on your way to the beach. She looks like she’s dressed like a model that’s on her way to Denny’s, a bedazzled dress and a Grand Slam breakfast, but the truth is you’re witnessing “the extended cut”. You see she’s on her way home, putting the snapshots of the night together in her head, and wondering if anyone notices her hair looks like a dog dried itself off after a bath up there.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with Advil and a garden hose with the ‘power wash’ setting on.
She’s reading Cosmo with a bottle of water and enough tanning oil to make gas prices drop 30 cents. She’s been laying out 10 yards from your set-up for five hours, never once going in the water, a phenomenon you can’t understand because it’s so hot you just spent the last half hour sitting in the surf seeing how much sand will go up your shorts. You can’t talk to her because she hasn’t opened her eyes since you’ve been here and her iPod is so loud you can hear John Mayer’s live album word for word.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with magazines and Fiji water unless she saw the way you tip-toed into the water for 30 minutes periodically back and forth and making the ‘ooo it’s cold’ face. Then you’ve got no chance.
Aye papi, is that 1999 J-Lo walking down the street? Is this a Trick Daddy video? My goodness she is one hot mamacita. She’s the girl that makes you think that Daddy Yankee had the right idea. She’s usually shaped in some hourglass form and walking down the street in a tube top contraption that makes you wonder how things are being held in place. For fun you could put drinks on her ass as she walks by just to see how far she could go without spilling them/ noticing they’re there. I think I’ve watched too many rap videos.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with cherry blow pops and churros.
She’s a rare bread–a girl who looks like she doesn’t shower every day/week yet still looks hot. If you’re a percentages man, and I think you are, there’s like a 98.5% chance hippie girl isn’t hot. If you do find one, though, she’ll be in the folk music section of Borders, holding books about candle making and sipping on a Chai latte. She might be rocking low-cut jeans, a hat operation of some sort, and a hemp necklace. She has black rimmed glasses. You like black rimmed glasses.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with meditation techniques and the Communist Manifesto.
She’s responsible for your life, but the way she looks has got you paying attention to her twirling a whistle and not the dangerous rip tide pulling you out 3 miles. You go in the water just to turn your back on the waves crashing down on you and stare at her in her solid color lifeguard bathing suit. Of course, this leaves you constantly getting pummeled in the water and feeling as awkward as when you try and sing the second verse of Lil Wayne’s Lollipop (look it up).
THE APPROACH: Woo her with sun tan lotion and what Squints did in The Sandlot to Wendy Peffercorn.
Also known as Convertible PT Cruiser girl and artist formerly known as Convertible Mazda Miata girl, she’s the girl in the sunglasses and flowing hair most likely on the way to becoming The Beach Girl. She’ll usually have friends with her, too, and stopping at a red light they’ll probably be blasting Jason Mraz and yelling about how much of a bitch her absentee friend is over the tunes. Be careful, for she can double as The Illusionist.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with iTunes gift cards and Gwen Stefani tickets.
She’s so elusive, mainly because she doesn’t speak good English. She’s got that European/Brazilian/not-from-around-here hotness going on. You can usually tell by gravity-defying bikinis, yelling in another language, and high cheek bones (don’t ask me why). She’s the reason you want to visit Rio de Janeiro, Milan, and Madrid… in the same week. She’s the reason you bought a pocket language dictionary to figure out how to say ‘nude beach’ in her language.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with hand-held American flags and US dollars she can take back to her country and wallpaper her home with.
She’s the girl who’s been serving you all night and watching as your “Jager Bomb please” order has evolved in “Hhhhagaer Fomb pwease”. She’ll have a low-cut ensemble, just hot enough to make you never complain if it takes her 40 minutes to get you a drink because her ex-boyfriend is whispering sweet douchbaggery into her ear.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with purchasing enough shots for the both of you for her to disregard any other customer.
With an a cool combination of style and a “f**k-off” attitude, The Indie Chick is a rare breed. Not because there are a lack of indie chicks, as they’ll usually be found in any retro coffee shop brooding over poetry through their purple hair dye, but because the style is transitory–by next year, she’ll be into something completely different. Truly the Holy Grail of The Girls of Summer, The Indie Chick will almost be undoubtedly more than you can handle, as she’ll preach anarchy to you in between complaining about how her father would never hug her as a child.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with spike necklaces and industrial vats of face makeup to hide the tan she’s got this season.
The Office Girl makes corporate America look like Deal or No Deal. This summer, she’s out for her lunch break, walking in heels so high she should have American flag pants on and passing out flyers to Bob’s Discount Tire. With a skirt so short and a shirt (I feel awkward using the word blouse) so low she will easily “climb” her way to the top.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with a Prada phone and your own 401k.
Any major metropolitan city has her; in touch with her inner-soul and decked out in spandex pants so tight she has to shave them in the shower. She’ll be the girl you can’t date because she’s booked with Yoga and dance meditation classes 40 hours a week as she learns about why she is the way she is and why you aren’t the way she wants you to be.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with lotus flowers and The Karate Kid II on DVD.
She wears Daisy Dukes and remembers watching her on TV. She has a low-cut tank top on and remembers the Carter administration. She’s in the produce aisle checking the ripeness of this season’s peaches while you’re thinking you’d really like to shake her tree. She’s a MILF, no explanation needed, just use your imagination.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with the Food Network, grape cosmos, and Joni Mitchell albums.
She’s the girl you latch on to around 3:30am as your friends decide which McDonald’s to go to after a long night of heavy drinking. With the tolerance of a new-born baby and the stature of a Dogwood tree you’re easily scanning over her head if there’s any other viable option to accompany you on this glorious evening. There isn’t, and as the moonlight softly reflects off her upper lip fur you grab a hold of her muffin top and go confidently into the night.
THE APPROACH: Woo her with nothing, nothing at all. Okay, maybe Taco Bell.
Use this guide the next time you venture away from your computer into the summer heat. The Girls of Summer come only once a year, and you’ll have to strike while the weather is hot, until it’s back to hoodies and sweatpants. At least then you won’t regret your leather seats anymore.
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Photo by Marin, Photoalto Agency, RF Collections
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